"This Is The First Day Of My Life" or "It's The Tattood Broken Promise That I Hide Beneath My Sleeve"

I know that I recently posted about priorities, ad how 'boyfriend' had fallen completely off that list. Know that this is still true, and this post is about feelings, not about boyfriends:

I don't think I'm ever going to outgrow the part of me that loves to be loved, or the part of me that craves contact and being able to be close enough to another person to actually see their heart beating in their throat. I don't think the addict in me is ever going to stop getting the shakes around the stuff, and I don't think my relationship track marks are ever going to stop aching every time there's someone near me who says they care, or holds my shoulders, or makes me weak.

That's not ever going to go away.

However, many people in my life, including myself, would choose to believe that I'm just not all the way "grown up" or "grown out" until this part of me is gone. I think that now I can handle someone saying "No Genevieve, it isn't like that." and I can walk away from it without tears, without feeling broken, and without writing in a notebook for hours with metaphors about car accidents and drug addictions. I can also walk away from someone who says the opposite, who wants me, who loves me, and who will do anything to get me close again. I can walk away from it, hold my head up, and know that I'm fine without all that.

That doesn't mean I'm ever going to stop wanting it, and I never want to stop wanting it. For so, so, so long I have thought that the craving in me, the part that loves love, the part that loves touch, is bad and bruised and it meant something in me wasn't all together. But I hope that whatever it is inside me that flutters when a boy wraps his arms around me never, ever goes away. I hope I always get excited when I think someone likes me. I hope that I am always eager to love, to be in love, and to be loved. I hope that those feelings never goes away. It's painful to walk away from the opportunity for love, and it's more painful to walk away from someone who gives you butterflies and they don't feel the same, but all of that is just a finger prick compared to the pain when you don't feel anything anymore.

All this time I wanted to change, but now I want nothing more than to stay the same.

<3gen