1. I had the most miraculous birthday. I walked into Lindsey's house for the one millionth time, and it felt familiar. Linn and Whitney were next to me, friends were in the kitchen, everything felt comfortable and at peace. The kitchen door was closed, and the lights were off in the living room. I thought nothing of it. Lindsey's face glowed with that smile. I walked into the living room to have what sounded like a hundred people yelling SURPRISE, and a few loners saying ASTONISHMENT! Thanks, Will Thomas...
I looked around and saw the most friendly faces, faces of people that I loved, and I filled up to the brim with this desire to want to pull them all together in a big hug. We played music and danced all night and I even got a kiss from a boy I like. I felt whole and colorful and that things were just like they were supposed to be. Lindsey let me climb on her coffee table and sing Christmas songs, and then she was the best girl in the world. Everyone was the best everything in the world.
I was renewed.
2. Amidst all the renewal, in the days following my miracle birthday, I also became painfully aware that there seems to be little I can do about my habits with boys. It appears that I will never be able to look beyond "what feels good right now" and see "what will hurt later." I won't be able to hold myself back from "what my heart tells me it wants" and see "what the boy tells me he wants." I seem to be taking carpe diem to a dangerous level (both with my heart and with my liver), and it makes me feel pretty unwanted most of the time. At the same time, I'm behaving in a way that is ensuring I remain feeling as such for as long as I possibly can.
3. Feeling overwhelmingly loved and perpetually unwanted at the same time is very confusing. It makes me need more caffeine and my fingers hurt often. Like they're craving to reach out and hold something but I don't have the direction. Or like I'm in withdrawals.
<3gen
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