"Beauty Exists Only In Struggle" or "3 Voicemail Boxes, 2 Bright Pants, and 1 Pair of Heart-Shaped Sunglasses"

OH. DEAR. GOD.

I am, officially, 9 days away from graduating college. I am 9 days away from the following signs of grown-up-titude:
--My own health insurance
--A land-line home phone
--A work phone number
--Operating a fax machine
--Business cards with the word "administrator" on them
--Alcohol intended to last more than one evening

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?

I remember sitting in Mrs. Amamoo's kindergarten class, practicing writing my name, becoming increasingly frustrated with how many E's were in my name. I could see into the Mrs. Cain's first grade classroom (I can't believe I still remember her name). And I remember, so distinctly, looking into that room and thinking to myself

"I am never, EVER, going to make it to first grade."

How did I get here?

How did I get from rolling myself over, to walking on two legs, to tying my shoes, to spelling my name, to fingerpainting, to riding a tricycle, to playing dress-up, to getting a little sister, to picking out my own clothes, to stop getting toys for christmas, to wearing makeup, to getting allowance, to getting boyfriends, to getting kisses, to being rebellious, to learning to drive, to reading literature, to graduating high school, to drinking my way through sophomore year, to being in love, to losing it all, to gaining the world, to figuring myself out, to being THIS FUCKING CLOSE to being a REAL ADULT.

You just don't plan your life this far in advance, you can't. Even now, being 9 days away from the real, live world, I'm having trouble picturing it. Every age and year until 22 has a milestone, has memories, has a clear picture. After this? Things get blurry. What does the world after school look like?

If you had told me when I came to college that in 4 years I would be in love with a class of four year-olds, outwardly bisexual, without a boyfriend and LOVING IT, living with my male best friend, and have a job as a church secretary, I would have gotten offended, climbed in bed with my boyfriend, and snuggled blissfully into crazytown.

The craziest thing?

Everyone was right.
About everything.

And I had it all so very wrong.

Thank God.

<3gen

p.s. I'll probably get a tumblr soon. Further bulletins as events warrant.

"Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, When I'm Sixty-Four?" or "The New Top Five"

1. So, my hair is brown.



I'm not entirely ok with it just yet, but I'll get there I guess. I feel sort of ordinary all of a sudden, and kids don't smile at me like they used to, and there are people who don't talk to me so easily. But last night my friend Daniel said to me, "What about all the people who didn't talk to you because of the hair? You'll have to find a way to be bright and have that energy without being pink anymore."

I suppose that's good advice.

2. I got the job at Canterbury, which is absolutely amazing. It pays great, it has health insurance, and I get to organize things and make things efficient all day, talk to people, act as a voice and a face for the church. It's a fantastic job, and I'll have the money to spend the next few years getting a Masters of Education with night classes. It's exactly what I needed, and I still get to keep my job with my class at church.

3. I am having senior-itis like I did not know existed, and I can't even motivate myself to write a three-page paper that's nothing but opinion on the Beatles. I had to write THREE PAGES on nothing but OPINION on MUSIC and I couldn't do it. That's insulting to my English Degree that awaits me at the end of this tunnel. But at this point, studying and producing assignments is equivalent to pulling an angry cat through a keyhole. Not only impossible, but clawing.

4. In my personal/emotional/sexual/relationship life, things are balanced. I feel at peace, in control, and comfortable exactly where I am and with exactly what I'm doing. I don't know how long this feeling will last, or how many nights I'll feel great before I get right back to writing metaphors about tears in my notebook. But for right now, I feel just right.

5. I am incredibly ready to be a grown-up, done with college, with a real job and a real salary. I am also terrified that, in reality, I am overwhelmingly unprepared.

Then again, isn't everyone?

<3gen