"We Were Only Freshmen" or "Like A Story Told In The Faultlines of the Soil"

What I've been thinking about the most were those moments when I really thought I couldn't make it.

Nights when I had two projects due in less than 3 hours and I hadn't slept in 46 hours. Those nights when I was running on nothing but espresso, text messages, spellcheck, and cigarettes.

Mornings when the hangover was so bad I was sure it was cancer, brain cancer, a tumor the size of a grapefruit. They were going to have to saw my head open and let my brain expand. Mornings when I woke up much too close to the toilet for my comfort.

Days when I had $35 in my checking account, and the cable bill was $46.50, and I knew I'd wasted my money on lattes, toys, and thrift stores. Days when I had saltines and pickles for dinner.

Nights after breakups, after falling in love, after ruining myself over so many boys because I was just so. in. love. And I was just so. fucked. up.

I used to text Lindsey late at night, "Can we just drop out of college and move to Mexico?" Several times she said "Yes. Be there in 10 minutes."

But here I am at the end of it. Even the most devastating things, even the moments that made me wish I were dead or back home or wishing I were blind so I never had to see the world again, I made it through them all. I'm here, on the other side of the giant tunnel of youth, from preschool to graduation, and I came out of it alive.

It is actually physically jarring how different you are when you start college and when you end it. I am absolutely delighted with the person that I have turned out to be.

I have strength I didn't know I had, friends I never knew existed, power that only God can give. And how I start this new chapter, with a 9-5 job and a regular paycheck. I pay my own bills, I have my own health insurance, I'll do my laundry. This is what it's all been building up to. This is the moment. Right. Now.

Tomorrow I start my full time job. Last night I met a nice boy with soft hands and a sweet smile and I'm comfortable. My sister is about to be a senior in high school. Lindsey and Linn leave for Kenya in less than a week.

My next goal is to read everything Kurt Vonnegut ever wrote.

Let's do this.

<3gen